February 20, 2019

By Gonzalo López Martí - Creative director, etc. / LMMiami.com

  • It has come to my attention that you unexpectedly pulled the plug on your plans to open Amazon’s Eastern Seaboard HQ in Queens, NY.
  • Ah, naughty boy.
  • Those obnoxious New Yorkers lured you in with grand promises and ended up playing hard to get, huh?
  • They had it coming.
  • New Yorkers whining about gentrification?
  • C’mon!
  • They friggin’ invented the thing in the first place!
  • Anyhoo.
  • Just so you know, Miami, the city where you spent the best years of your life (your teens), awaits you with open arms.
  • Even if you left us at the altar the last time around.
  • Unlike your ex, we’re the forgiving type.
  • Why Miami?
  • For one thing, the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale corridor is usually known as NY’s Sixth Borough.
  • Many factors set us apart from the other five though.
  • Taxes are low here: no state income tax, no “commuter tax”, nothing of the sort.
  • As you might remember too, save for the odd hurricane our weather is amazing.
  • Contrary to what you might recall from you high school years, drug cartels are not retaliating against each other in broad daylight anymore.
  • Can’t say they are not around still but, if they are, they have improved their table manners substantially.
  • In short, crime has been dwindling down here year after year for a few decades now: homicide, auto theft, burglary, you name it.
  • Culture and cuisine are thriving these days, possibly like nowhere else in the nation.
  • Real estate is getting pricier, yes, but it is still WAY cheaper than in NY.
  • There's plenty of room available for development, commercial and residential.
  • We have two international airports with connections to the four corners of the country and the world.
  • Plus two massive deep water harbors with capacity for ginormours vessels.
  • Lodging?
  • You came to the right place!
  • Fancy, snobby, seedy, we have hotels and resorts of all the sizes and prices imaginable.
  • Don’t quote me on this one but we might have more beds per capita than any other city in the world.
  • Speaking of which, your peccadilloes will be forgiven here.
  • If there’s a town where your misadventures and escapades will surprise absolutely nobody, it is the big MIA.
  • And there's PLENTY of beautiful Latinas to frolic around, should your love story with Lauren Sánchez come to an end.
  • In short, there might be no better place in the world than Miami for a wealthy middle aged multicultural dude like you to spend his hard earned cash (or what’s left of it after those nasty days in court coming your way).
  • This is the epitome of a playground for billionaires.
  • Think about it, yes?
  • We need to diversify our labor force outside of the usual sectors: tourism, real estate, finance and Hispanic showbiz.
  • A few thousand tech jobs would come in handy.
  • Call or write any time.
  • Besos (that'd be “kisses” in Spanish)

PS; we have not one but four Democratic congresswomen. More than enough to appease your limousine liberal guilt: Donna Shalala (Lebanese American), Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (Latina), Federica Wilson (African American) & Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Jewish).

Now that’s diversity. To their credit, they are reasonable grown-ups and, for the most part, BUSINESS FRIENDLY. None of that hostile loony Socialist nonsense you would’ve had to deal with in NY.

 

 

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